


As Tradition Dictates

by bmlhillenkeene



Series: The Lonely Mountain [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Gen, Thorin's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 07:52:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/937450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bmlhillenkeene/pseuds/bmlhillenkeene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin is faced by a difficult decision. Lose a nephew for five years, or lose one for life. </p><p>Though he may lose one either way.</p><p>It's the traditions Thorin hates the most that he must abide by.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set 5 years after Journey to the Blue Mountains. Thorin is forced to make a decision that could change his whole life all over again.
> 
> More obscure made up dwarf traditions based very much on the celtic tradition of Fostering, in which a family will put a child to be fostered by another for all of their young lives in order to gain new skills for the family or to ensure peace between clans is maintained.
> 
> \----
> 
> I wasn't happy with how my first try at this was working. I was just sort of looking at the screen and couldn't write, so I'm giving it another go. The main focus of this story is going to be Thorin and Kili, because I've gone and given Thorin a favourite nephew to play with and I feel the need to explore his relationship with his not so favourite one.  
> First three chapters are exactly the same, I just needed a clean slate to work from, so sorry anyone who reviewed before.

Thorin very deliberately put the parchment down before his fingers curled into fists, his eyes seeking out Balin, the appointed Scholar and Keeper of Tradition for some sign that he could refuse this, could crush it into a ball and toss it into the Kings Forge and forget the whole sordid idea. But Balins expression gave him no peace of mind. This was a legitimate request, and one Thorin could not ignore, no matter how much he wanted it.

"No." he said, glad to find that his voice did not crack.

He could see Balin sigh and steel himself for the coming argument, and he nearly felt bad for his old friend, but he was, at this time, far more concerned with the contents of the letter in front of him.

"It is tradition Thorin King." Balin said.

Thorin slammed a fist to the table. "Damn Tradition!" he growled.

"As is your right." Balin said mildly. "But you are still bound by it. To be fair, he is asking less time than he could." It was hardly a concession and everyone knew this. 50 years instead of the usual 80, still more than enough time for a young dwarf to adopt a new clan as his own, and even perhaps form another Family Bond with his Foster family.

Fostering was deemed to be one of the great old traditions, laid down when the wars of men and elves raged around them, and war fever was beginning to settle amongst the dwarves as well. To halt any war before it could begin one of the Kings sent his many children to each of the other clans as Fosterlings, so as to state that he would not attack any clan who held one of his children, and in return that clan was obligated not to attack him. All the other dwarven kingdoms did the same, for in those days there were many children to go around. Over time as their numbers had slowly dwindled and babes became rarer as threats of war on them disappeared near entirely, the tradition was left in place as nothing more than a nod to the old ways, a way for dwarf clans to strengthen bonds between them, arrange marriages and other such political arrangements.

A King who held advantage over another, as King Usar of the North Mountains did over Thorin, could request a Fosterling, and request that they remain with him for the whole of the young dwarf's life, a way to cement the peace and treaty between their people. It was considered a great honour to have a child requested by a Higher King, it spoke of protection and allowance and trust.

"Is there no way around it?" Thorin asked, not pleading, but there was a note of unhappiness to his voice that could not be ignored.

Balin shook his head gravely. "To say no would bring distrust down on us Thorin King, and we can ill afford such distrust, not if we should ever have need of our cousins in the North Mountains."

Thorin looked again at the letter. "But... Kili is too young still." he said, eyes scanning the words again, searching for any loophole, any way to get out of sending Kili away his nephew would not take kindly to it he was sure, the betrayal might well destroy him.

"That is why Usar wants him." Dwalin said when no one else could. "He is Battleborn, and due to begin his training soon. Usar wants to be in control of his training."

"In order to control him." Thorin said. "I know this. There has not been a Battleborn in Usars Halls for generations, it is too peaceful here. And Usar wants the loyalty of one. I know this." If he agreed and sent his young nephew to Usars Halls then in 50 years when he returned he would note the same child they knew, his loyalty would be forever fragmented, and would unlikely fall in their favor. He would lose his nephew forever, deprive Fili of his little brother and his most loyal supporter and he could not do that.

He could not.

Balin made a small sound and Thorin cast his attention back to him. "There might be one thing you can try." he said.

"What?" Thorin asked, grasping for any solution he could.

Balin looked troubled, and Thorin became instantly wary, he would like this suggestion worse he feared. "You could send Fili instead-"

"What?" he roared, the mere idea. To send his heir to Usar, for 50 years, the answer could only be no.

"Thorin, listen, he has more to say." Dwalin told him.

Thorin sat back and waited, eyeing Balin darkly.

"Sending your heir is considered a great honour. Because of that honour you can bargin the years down significantly, because you will need time to train your heir and cannot be without him for so long." Balin said, meeting Thorin's eyes squarely.

"How long?" Thorin asked, closing his eyes as if he could block out the entire ordeal.

"Five years. Had Usar waited ten years he could bargin for more, but five years is all we can spare of an heir as young as Fili." Balin said.

There was silence for a drawn out moment before Thorin spoke again. "Leave me."

He waited until the door had closed behind them and he was alone before he curled his fingers into his hair and bent his head forward to stare blankly at the page. The answer should be an easy one, should be so easy. But Thorin found himself unable to make it.

Kili was too young, too free, too easily broken to be sent away for long. He would lose himself Thorin was sure, and Thorin did not want to be responsiable for that. Could not be responsiable for that. So the answer should be simple, send Fili for five years, just five unberably long years with no contact. But Thorins heart rebelled at the thought of being seperated from his nephew for even so short a time.

As with so very much in his life right now, Thorin did not know what to do.


	2. Chapter 2

"Uncle!" Kili cried out, crashing with all the happy abandon of a child with no worries, and for just a moment Thorin allowed himself to be taken in but it, to believe that everything was going to be just fine. He gave Dori a nod of thanks and offered the seemingly terminally shy Ori a small smile as they passed. Dori was, as ever, indispensable about looking after the boys, though that job would end when Kili turned 5 and began his training.

Fili had already begun his schooling, which did not include training in weapons until he was twelve years old, and was out of the chambers and with his tutor, Oin. Thorin deliberately turned his thoughts from the idea that he might not be able to see Fili find his Weapon, a huge milestone for a young dwarf, as it would be the weapon he would hold mastery over. That he might not see any of the important things Kili would do in his life, that he would not be able to counsel him on his first love, watch him grown into the adult he would become.

He turned his mind from these thoughts, because he could no bear them, instead dropping his hand onto Kili's head, only to be overruled from his attempts to break Kili of the habit of being lifted so often, by the child climbing him like he was a tree. and flinging his arms around his neck.

"Good afternoon Uncle. Did you have a good day at work?" Kili asked with a smile.

Thorin gave a wry smile. At least he was learning some manners from Dori, if not the proper etiquette behind them. "Good afternoon Kili." he said. "My day has much improved since coming home." it was not quite a lie, for being here was preferable to sitting in his council hall weighing the pros and cons, the very importance of each nephew to him.

Kili accepted his words as truth and lanted a kiss on his cheek before scrambling down and bouncing across the room to pick up the page of scratchings and doodles he had declared to be words. He was in the process of regaling Thorin with the epic ballad he had written, about the adventures of Prince Fili and his best warrior, Kili and their faithful follower Ori. It was not far off the idea Thorin already had for the three of them in the future that the King couldn't help but smile at Kili's wild ideas of an adventure.

Fili arrived home quietly, shutting the door with the smallest of snicks, but Kili broke off mid word and turned and launched himself across the room to crash bodily into his brother. "F'li!" he grinned.

Fili had caught him easily and hugged him back. "Hello." he said, before dropping his brother into a squawking heap. "Afternoon Uncle. Your back early."

Thorin just nodded and when Fili dropped onto the stool beside Thorins chair he drew his fingers through the soft hair. Fili had grown out of the Tidy Braids two years ago, now his hair was pulled back neatly into a single plait down his back, though by the afternoon his hair was already coming loose and falling free. Fili batted his hand away with a protesting laugh when he tugged more loose.

"Uncle!"

Thorin gave him a smile, but when he saw Fili's head cock slightly and a frown crease his brow, Thorin knew he had failed to really hide his worries. Fili was far too preceptive for his own good. Before Fili could asked, and to save himself from having to lie, or Mahal forbid, reveal the truth, Thorin pushed himself to his feet. "Shall we see what Dori has left us for supper today?" he asked.

"Vegetables." Kili announced, sounding appropriately disgusted.

Thorin gave a laugh. "They are good for you. Now, don't you have a Ballad to finish?" he prompted.

Kili's eyes widened. "Yes! Yes! I made a Ballad F'li! About us! You me and Ori. Can I do it from the start Uncle?" he asked suddenly. "So F'li can hear the whole thing."

Thorin nodded his agreement and Kili launched once more into his ballad. This retelling slightly more exaggerated than the last, but Thorin let it continue, happy to use it to distract Fili, who was listening to his brothers recounting of imaginary tales with dutiful patience, only ocassionally breaking in when Kili was struggling to find the right word for something.

~*~

Much later Thorin sat, awake still by the small fire, long after his nephews were abed, his face set into a deep frown. There was no way out, none. Save to bring distrust down upon them, and as Balin had said, they could not afford to do this. He would have to send one of them.

But if he did, he feared he would lose them both.

He would not lie to himself, not here alone, with only the fire for company. That was what he feared. Sending Kili away for so long would lose him a nephew, Kili was still young enough to form bonds with a foster family, which was what Usar was counting on. His absence would weigh heavily on Fili, who doted on his brother in ways Thorin had never even considered with his own siblings when they were growing up, and over time Fili would begin to resent him and Thorin could not stand this.

But to send Fili might be even more devestating, because there was still a deep seated fear inside him about losing the boy, and just as before he might lash out, and Kili would bear the brunt, and by the time Fili returned Kili would be heart broken and Thorin knew Fili would side with his brother, as he should, and once again, both would be lost to him.

If not in body then in heart.

"Uncle?'

Thorin started and turned from the fire to see Fili standing by the door to the room he shared with his brother. "You should be sleeping." he said.

Fili nodded his head in agreement. "Is everything ok Uncle?" he asked, stepping forward until he could drop into his stool again, looking up at Thorin earnestly.

Thorin looked at him, and sighed, reaching down and lifting the boy onto his lap. Fili didn't protest that he was too old for this, just settled against Thorins chest, content to wait for his uncle to speak. But Thorin did not know what to say. He would need to tell them eventually, he knew that, but he didn't want to.

He didn't want to.

But he did.

"I have a decision I have to make." he said softly. "And I do not want to make it." Fili remained quiet, but Thorin knew he was listening, far to preceptive. "King Usar of the Northern Mountaisn wants to take Kili for Fostering."

"No." Fili said, not a denail, but a statement of pure fact. "No, he's not taking him."

Thorin sighed. "Fostering is an old Tradition Fili, and he has the right to request it. I can't deny him it as much as I wish I could."

"For how long?" Fili asked.

"Too long." Thorin admitted unhappily.

Fili was quiet for a whileand Thorins thoughts turned to his choice once more, debating whether to tell Fili that he could go in his brothers stead, before he decided against it. He could not put the burden of that choice on Fili. Whatever he chose, Fili would understand. Thorin had to believe he would understand.

"What if I went?" Fili asked then and Thorin squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He cursed Fili's protective nature. "How long would it be if I went.?"

"Still too long." Thorin answered.

"But shorter than Kili?" the child pressed and Thorin nodded, because it wasn't fair of him to start lying now. "Then I'll go instead Uncle." he said, and before Thorin could say anything Fili continued, twisting until he could look his Uncle dead in the eye. "Kili is too little to be away from home Uncle, especially if it's going to be for a long time, and that's not fair. Who would look after him if we weren't there? At least if I go then you can look after him until I get back."

He said it in such a reasonable tone that it was easy to overlook the spark of worry and fear in his eyes at the idea of being sperated from Thorin himself. But Thorin saw it and pulled his nephew close. "This is not your decision Fili. It is mine."

"I know Uncle. But I would like it if you sent me instead." Fili responded, burying his head into his Uncles chest.

Thorin held him long after he had fallen asleep before he put him back to bed, watching him curl up beside his brother and he leaned heavily on the wall. The decision had been made for him and he wished he had never opened his mouth, wished he had never accepted the letter.

He wished they were still in Erebor...

Only, he didn't, because then he would not have Fili at all, and the thought of that was perhaps even more painful to him.

He wished... And then he sighed, because there was no point in wishing. They hadn't come true for him in a long, long time. He could only make the best he could with what he had and five years... He could manage five years. His eyes flicked to Kili and he prayed to Mahal that he was not lyingcause he would not forgive himself for destroying the gift Fili was entrusting him with.


	3. Chapter 3

They did not tell Kili of his brothers inevitable departure immediately, but the days flew by too quickly and the response had to be sent to Usar detailing his decision. Usar would not be able to reject their sending Fili, as he was the heir it would be grave insult to do so, and he would not be able to bargin the length of the Fostering because of Fili's age. Thorin hated signing his name to that paper, but he did, passed it into the hands of Gloin, who would take it North, and sat for near an hour after staring blankly at the table as if it held the answers to all of his questions.

And then he got up, returned to his chambers to break the news to Kili. By the time Fili returned from his lessons Kili was near hysterical at the idea, convinced that Fili had already been shipped off North before he could say goodbye. When he saw his brother he clung to him. Fili gave him a look, equal parts accusing and relieved, and Thorin only felt worse.

Fili was expected at the North Mountains by mid autumn. Mere weeks away and Thorin allowed him a lapse in his studies so the brothers could spend the time together. Kili, completely unable to hold a grudge, was doing his best to overcome this trait, and there were times with he remembered that he wasn't supposed to be laughing and hugging Thorin and he would turn away with a huff and go back to Fili.

And Fili, dear, sweet natured Fili, was doing his very best to convince Kili that it wasn't Thorin's fault, that he wated to go, wanted to see what the North Mountains were like. Promised and cajoled and comforted while Thorin stood by uselessly, able only to gather Fili up after Kili was abed and hold him while the boy did his best to be brave.

It was only five years, he would whisper, only five little years and he would be home and Thorin and Kili would be waiting for him. He said it so often that the cut of the lie seemed to lessen, and Fili would nod, like he believed and Thorin felt his heart breaking.

Thorin had never given any thought to what his parents must have felt when they had sent Frerin to the Iron Hills for fostering. Thorin had been older, and deep in his training as his fathers heir, and he and Frerin had never been close, not really. But Frerin had been gone 25 years, the time more than halved because of their standing as the most powerful dwarf kingdom in middle earth. If this had been how his parents had felt then he sent his apologies to them for not being a more considerate son to their pain.

~*~

Time moved far too quickly and it was a mid autumn morning and Fili's escort had been prepared, the young heir had been talked through the ritual he would need when he arrived and it was time now for goodbyes. Kili was clinging tearfully to Fili, but no one had the heart to reprimand him, to remind him that Princes did not display such behaviour. Fili carefully disentangled Kili's fingers from his new clothes.

"I'm not going to be gone forever." he said, with as much confidence as he could.

"Why can't I come?" Kili asked unhappily, fingers grasping for something to hold.

They had not told Kili that it had been him who had been requested, that he would have been taken from them for 50 long years. They would never tell him, not so long as Thorin was King. Fili gave him a stern look that Thorin recognised as one of his own expressions and said. "You can't come because you have to stay here and protect Uncle Thorin."

Thorin couldn't help but blink at that. He had never heard Fili tell Kili any such story before. but Fili was too focused on Kili to notice the surprise. "I'm leaving you in charge of him when I'm gone."

Thorin could hear Dwalin smothering a chuckle behind his hand, but did not lift his gaze from his nephews, and where Kili was nodding slowly, obviously not liking his new role at all. "But F'li." he said quietly. "You'll forget me?"

Fili's whole face softened and he dragged his brother in for a hug. "Never, ever, ever Kili." he promised. And then he pulled away and went to Thorin and stood before him, looking every inch the young Heir Prince of lost Erebor. his hair pulled back into a new set of braids, simple ones he would be able to do himself.

Thorin reached out to put a hand on his head. and in a low voice he recited an ancient prayer, spoken in a tongue so old that so very few even knew its meaning. In the same way a warrior would call down the blessings of Mahal to help him win a hopless battle, Thorin called upon Mahal to keep his nephew safe from harm. And then he gathered Fili up for one last long hug. "Be brave my little Prince." he whispered fiercely.

"I will Uncle." Fili answered him softly, and then pulled back a little. "Look after Kili." he said, as if he expected Thorin to forget the promise he had been made to repeat endlessly these past weeks.

"I will Nephew." he said with a small smile, and when Fili nodded, satisfied, Thorin set him back to the ground.

Fili gave Kili one last hug before he went to stand beside the escort. And without fanfare they moved off. Kili slunk to his side, all grudges set aside for now, and Thorin lifted him onto his shoulder so they he could watch the procession for longer. But at last they passedbeyond veiw and Kili heaved an upset sigh.

"Uncle?" the boy said.

"Hmm?" Throin hummed, his own gaze still trying to track the group, but there was no way he would see them if Kili no longer could.

But Kili never finished his thought, and Thorin didn't push him.

It was dark when they went back into the mountains.


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin spent three days in the Kings Forge, day and night, pounding iron and wishing it was the head of an orc, or a dragon, or perhaps something a little closer to home. Kili had followed him, and when Dwalin had tried to remove him, knowing Thorin's temper was likely not at its best, had pitched such a fit that Thorin had just waved his friend off. Though he had expected Kili to leave because of the heat or the noise. He had thought that something would drive the boy away, but nothing did. He stayed resolutely, curled into a corner, playing with some cool metal.

Thorin had all but forgotten that he was there, to deep in his own mired thoughts to spare one for the child. It wasn't until the third day, when Kili had come to lean against his leg, face flushed and eyes glazed with heat and exhaustion, that Thorin stopped. Abandoning the metal on the anvil without a backwards look, lifted the small child into his arms and left the Kings forge, returning to their rooms.

He fell asleep with his nephew curled against his chest.

It was funny, mused when he woke some time later. Kili never slept like this with him. Fili had always been the one to curl around his brother, just like Thorin had done with him on their journey to the Blue Mountains. There was a pang at the thought, but Thorin was not certain if it was because he had never done this before with his youngest nephew, or if it was because Fili was gone.

He stroked Kili's dark hair lightly, it was too fine for the sturdy tidy braids, wisps coming loose less than a day after they had been put in, and his face had paled when his hair had been singed at the ends to keep them in. Thorin had just assumed it was a Battleborn thing, his instincts telling him that fire was bad, and Dwalin had not refruted it.

So Thorin had left it loose. And promptly regretted it when Kili came back with his hair twisted and tangled and dirty. He had been tempted to just twist the whole lot up into a top knot, but he didn't like the implications of that. It spoke of just taking care and nothing more. Parents were often harshly judged on the appearance of their children.

Kili's hair of course, slipped every braid Thorin had ever tried, either by pure accident or by Kili pulling it loose. So he always ended up spending part of his evening untangling the mess, brushing it until it gleamed and then spent another half hour in the morning doing it all over again.

It was a silly thing to be thinking about, but it helped a little with the odd lonliness that settled into his heart.

Dwarves are often seen to be as hard as stone themselves, stubborn as the mountain and they were. But Dwarves were also like the Mines within a mountain, their feelings ran deep and often were felt too keenly. And Thorin had always been this way, as future King-Under-The-Mountain, it was seen as a great thing to care so deeply. 

Except when it wasn't.

Thorin sighed, stroking Kili's hair again, before dropping a small kiss onto it. It was time to begin a new day. He could not afford to begin resenting King Usar for following a Tradition so old that it was practically law. Had it been he is Usar's position he likely wouldn't have thought twice. He knew that, and perhaps it was time to stop acting like a distraught parent and start behaving like a King.


	5. Chapter 5

Kili did not avoid his Uncle Thorin. After all, he loved him, and his uncle loved him right back. It was only that sometimes he wasn't entirely sure when he might see Uncle Thorin. It seemed to him like his uncle had suddenly become two different people, sometimes he was normal, smiled and brushed his hair and talked to him about what had happened during the day and listened while Kili told him about what he had done.

But as time wore on his Uncle became more... more like one of Mister Bifur's toys, he moved right and he talked right, but there wasn't something quite right. It was at times like that when Kili missed Fili the most, because if Fili had been there he would have been able to make Uncle smile. But Kili couldn't,no matter what he tried sometimes, and it felt like he was letting Fili down, because he wasn't looking after their uncle at all.

When he started his training the day of his birthday it had been a relief, and he threw himself into it cheerfully. He had been apprehensive about it before, because he knew Fili didn't start training with weapons until after him, which didn't seem quite right to him, and Fili had not spoken to him for days when they had been told at the start of the summer, until Mister Balin had told him a story that Fili wouldn't tell him no matter how much he had begged. But Fili had stopped ignoring him and at had been the end of it.

It becam easier, once he started learning under Mister Dwalin, to sort of avoid how strange Uncle Thorin was being, and at least seemed to make Uncle Thorin proud when he learned something new. And sometimes his Uncle would starting behaving like himself again, and things were good for a while.

Kili almost, *almost* began to hate when Mister Gloin came back from the North Mountains. Wanted to snatch Fili's letter from his Uncles hands and hide them away somewhere that they couldn't be found, because his uncles mood was always darker after Fili's letter arrived. Kili, when he started lessons in writing himself, begging to start early so that he could write to Fili, had a stack of papers hidden under his pillow that had the beginings of a letter to his brother that he had started a hundred times and never been able to finish.

Letters that made him tremble in something like fear, and something like anger, though he didn't know who it was directed at. Sometimes he wished Uncle Thorin would find the papers, just so he could try and explain the feelings building up inside him, so that his Uncle would understand.

He had still not sent Fili a letter, making sure he had excuses if he was ever asked. He wasn't. At least, not by the one person he wanted to ask.

But it because a little easier, as time went on, and he lost himself in his lessons. Thinking to himself that maybe if he was able to show his Uncle that he was strong, or smart, more like Fili maybe... Maybe his Uncle would...

Well, maybe was all he really had, and so far that hadn't worked out so well. But Kili was nothing if not determined in his own way. He would train, get strong, and be like Mister Dwalin, who his Uncle liked very much. And soon Fili would be back and things could go back to normal. But until then, everything just kind of muddled along. And he got used to it.

Until he read that book, and his young life sort of fell apart.


	6. Chapter 6

Thorin was not ignoring Kili. No matter what Dwalin said. He spent exactly the same amount of time with him as he always had, more even now that he didn't have to split his attention to Fili as well. He would admit to being a little caught up in his work, but to be fair there was a lot to do, and really he couldn't expect his most loyal of companions to pick up all of the slack.

He was lying of course, and he knew it but as with anything, when one lies to themself long enough they begin to believe it. Fili's letters came every few weeks, ferried across by Gloin, speaking of all the interesting things he was doing, what he was learning, all of the different dwarves he was meeting. Thorin hated the flash of jealousy that sprang through him, and feeling guilty he would throw himself even further into his work to distract him.

Kili was doing fine, starting his lessons with Dwalin, and progressing through them will all the good luck and skill that lay inate within a Battleborn. He would make a fine warrior one day, a fine companion in arms for Fili, prehaps even general of the armies of Erebor in time. Dwalin had insisted he not be pushed too far into the art of battle and war, as Dwalin himself had been as a child, and knowing of his friends unhappiness with that part of his life he agreed.

He allowed himself some time to watch Kili train sometimes, when he felt a little guilty about working too much, and was quite pleased by how well everything seemed to be going. Sometimes it even seemed that five years was not too long a time at all.

~*~

"He's refusing to train." Dwalin said one evening, startling Thorin quite abruptly out of the carefully constructed lie his life had become in three years.

"Excuse me?" he asked, bewhildered by this strange turn of events. "Kili?"

"Kili." Dwalin affirmed.

Thorin frowned. "But Kili loves training, its all he ever talks about." he said, which was true, Kili chattered like a woodpecker near constantly, and when Thorin listened in it was all about what he had learned, what Dwalin had taught him, and the new things Balin had shown him in maps,and Oin had taught him.

Dwalin gave him a long look that Thorin didn't much like. "He used to enjoy training. As of three weeks ago he adbruptly stopped liking training. In fact, if I make him pick up a weapon he uses it like he's afraid its going to jump out of his hand and eat him." Dwalin shook his head. "He won't talk to me."

Thorin heaved a small sigh, but his mind was racing, had there been anything different about Kili recently? If there was he couldn't remember seeing it, which made his gut twist uneasily. "I'll talk with him." he said.

Dwalin nodded, and left him.

~*~

When he arrived back at the Royal Chambers, Kili was seated in front of the fire, a book open on his lap, his face scrunched up in fierce concentration as he read. He looked tense, and jumped like a scalded cat when he realised Thorin was in the room, which made Thorin frown, because Kili had never once been surprised like that, had never been so unaware of the room he was in.

"That must be an interesting book." he said, deciding against just diving into what would probably be a fight.

"Not really." Kili said, shutting the book and shoving it under his leg so Thorin couldn't see the title.

Thorin frowned again, but decided that maybe it was best to just ask, get it out of the way as quickly as possible. Kili probably already knew that Dwalin had spoken to him. "Why are you refusing to train?"

Kili shrugged.

Thorin sat in his chair and looked at Kili. "Your a little young to be behaving like a Youth Kili." he said. He had been hoping neither of his nephews would even go through that particular behaviour pattern that semed to befall all Youths at some point. But Kili was far too young, by at least thirty years, to be going into it.

Kili shrugged again.

Thorin sighed. "Kili." he put a note of warning into his tone, which had never before failed to either elicit an apology out of the boy, or silence him if he was becoming too boisterous.

"I don't want to train anymore." he said, with obvious reluctance.

"Kili." Thorin said evenly. "You have to train. How else do you expect to become Fili's second in battle? Or to lead the armies of Erebor?"

Kili did not look up at him. "What if I don't want to be? What if I wanted to be something else? Something... what if I didn't want to fight?"

Thorin looked at him, at a loss for what to say. What on earth had come over Kili? "Kili." he began. "There are some things we can't change. And I'm afraid this is one of those things. You were born into this Kili. You need to learn these things, and your good at them."

There was a long streach of silence before Kili nodded. "I'm tired Uncle." he said suddenly getting to his feet, fingers curling round the book and lifting it with him. "I'm going to go to bed." and he did and Thorin felt suddenly bereft.

Hadn't there been a time when Kili had hugged him goodnight?

That uneasy feeling returned when he realised that he couldn't remember when that had stopped.


	7. Chapter 7

The Uneasy feeling continued, and though Thorin could not pinpoint its root, now that he had acknowledged it he could not ignore it any longer. He began watching Kili more closely, and instead of dispelling his worries, what he saw began to worry him. Kili was still so young, barely eight years old, but he carried himself like he had a great weight pressing down on him. It may just have been the separation from his brother, but Thorin knew that was not all it was. And the more he looked, the more he saw, and he struggled to find the words to ask Kili about it.

Every attempt had met the same resigned eyes and slumped shoulders and muttered agreement to whatever he said. If he tried to spend some extra time with him, trying to close the distance that had opened up between them, he was met with open confusion and just a hint of reluctance, like his nephew wasn't enturely sure of his intentions. So Thorin had stopped that, withdrew back into the role of the watcher once more.

Kili was still behaving oddly in his training, wielding his weapons clumsily, dropping them on first hit and looking utterly crestfallen if he was praised for completing a training set correctly. So completely different from the little boy who had chattered to him non stop when he had started his training, so pleased to be learning so many new things. What had changed since then? When had Kili stopped being himself.

It made Thorin feel a little sick to realise that he didn't know.

But he watched, and he saw, and eventually he understood.

Kili carried a book with him always, kept it tucked under his arm, or shoved under his legs when he needed his arms free, or if it was not with him, it was hidden away somewhere Thorin had not been able to find. If Thorin asked about it he was told it was "Nothing" or "Just a book". And each vague answer told Thorin more than Kili probably meant to. Because if he ever had ocassion to catch Kili reading it, his face was scrunched into a feirce concentration and was completely intent on the words on the page.

What exactly a book had to do with Kili deciding that he didn't want to keep training Thorin wasn't sure, but he was determined to find out. But the only place he did not go to search for the book was in Kili's room, because it was the room he shared with Fili, and Thorin did not want to see how his whirlwind of a nephew had taken over the entire room, it would be just another stark reminder of Fili's absence.

So he made up his mind to ask for the book, and was surprised at just how quickly the whole thing had escalated to shouting, with Kili clutching the book to his chest, red faced and angry, and somehow it had devolved into Kili screaming about how terrible he had been since Fili had been gone, and how he wished Fili would stop writing, ending with a tearful "I wish it had been me who'd gone away! Maybe you'd be happy then!"

And Thorin, whose own temper had been steadily rising, fuelled not only by Kili's words, but his own guilt and denial of, exploded, and he only barely stopped himself from growling out. "I wish it had been you too. fifty years would have been too short!" but something that felt suspiciously like Fili held that thought in an iron grip and didn't let it loose. Instead his hand snapped out.

And there was a deafening silence followed by the soft thump of that damned book onto the floor, and Kili's eyes were wide and round and bright with tears, small fingers pressing on the red mark across his cheek.

"Go to your room!" Thorin snapped, and when Kili did not move last of his anger snapped as well and he roared to be heard over the sound of his own horror at what he had done. "Go!"

And Kili did, flinching away from him and dashing back to his room.

Thorin stood, breathing hard his eyes dropped to the floor, to that book and with an inarticulate growl he kicked it aside and left the royal chambers, slamming the door behind him and went straight to the Kings Forge, feeling less of a King than a Monster, and threw himself into the metal with a ferocity he had not felt since Fili left.


	8. Chapter 8

It was hours later when the red haze left him his anger drained away in the heat of the forge, the only remenants left in the misshapen lump of iron that looked exactly how he saw himself, And he finally collapsed onto the bench at the side of room, head in his hands and tried to get that look on Kili's face out of his head.

"Not your finest work." Dwalin said, his voice intruding into Thorin's solitude.

Thorin only grunted in reply.

Then Dwalin dropped onto the bench beside him. "Talk to me." he said evenly, and Thorin was transported back years, to when he was a child, and was faced with this angry little slip of a dwarf, no older than Kili was now, the Battleborn his parents had chosen to be his companion at arms who had refused to back down to him, no matter that he was the Prince of Erebor. He had never thought that they could ever grow to be close. But Dwalin had become more of a brother to him, than he and Frerin had ever been.

"I hit him." he said. The cuff to the back of his head was far less than what he deserved, but he suspected that was Dwalin's point. "Over a book." and the horror hit him all over again. He had hit Kili because of a book, a stupid book.

"No you didn't." Dwalin said, an undercurrent of steel in his voice. "None of this was over a book."

Thorin looked at his friend at last, who held his gaze steadily and refused him any quater. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall. "No, your right, it isn't over a book. I've been drowning since Fili left, and I don't know how to stop myself."

"A mine is like passion, it runs deep within the Mountain." Dwalin quoted softly, and old Dwarf proverb. "You've been through a lot Thorin, more perhaps than most of us. We do not shoulder the responsibilities of an entire Kingdom. You found a measure of peace in Fili, we could all see it and that was good. But I thinkmaybe you forgot that it isn't wise to shore your mine only at the entrance."

"Have you been reading Balin's Philosophy texts again?" Thorin asked, his lips quirked into a slight smile, before it dropped. "I know you are right. I know. But I just don't know how... How to really care for him." he said.

Dwalin gave a small shrugg. "You could start by getting to know him. As who he is, and not who you think he is, or want him to be." He shifted slightly, and Thorin knew he was weighing his next words carefully, which meant he expected Thorin to become angry when he heard them. But Thorin no longer had the energy for anger. "I think you see Kili as just Fili's brother. You make your plans for him based around Fili, you took your cues from him. I don't think you ever really formed a proper bond with the boy. You go through the motions, but that is all I think."

Thorin blinked at that, his mind running back over every interaction he could remember with Kili, and was startled to realise that yes... every single one was coloured with Fili, There was nothing that was truly just him and Kili, though there were plenty of moments shared with Fili alone. "But... *How*?" he asked. It was impossible, or supposed to be impossible. Family bonds were formed to protect children, to draw them to an adult who could love and protect them, and to lead the adult to do just that. And he had been, hadn't he? Until recently?

"I think you just extended your bond with Fili to include Kili. That's why you've been finding it so difficult, because you're trying to love him, but there's just not the bond there to support it." Dwalin said.

Thorin gave him a long look. "Why did you not share this with me before? These thought's of yours? When I may have been able to do something about it?"

Dwalin gave him an apraising look. "Would you have listened before?" he asked bluntly.

He made a good point. He would not have. "So what now? Any chance I may have had to put it to rights is lost to me now. I hit him."

"And he will forgive you." Dwalin told him easily. "That is all part of the Kili you don't really know. He will forgive you, because he loves you as unconditionally as he loves his brother."

"I don't deserve it." Thorin said.

"No, you don't." Dwalin told him dryly, a statement of fact. "But he will anyway. But Thorin, it will be you that needs to make this effort, not him. It isn't fair to him."

Thorin nodded, slowly. But there was still one thinghe needed to ask. Needed some reassurance on. "What if a bond doesn't form?" It could happen. children left in that position grew up to be Stonehearts, and Thorin hated the thought of that. Hated it with ever fibre of his being.

Dwalin gave him a long look and a small smile that spoke of just how highly he thought of Thorin right then, and it wasn't very high at all. "That won't be a problem, so long as you see him for himself only. You just need to chance to really connect with him. This is your chance, so take it."

It took Thorin a miniute to gather himself to stand, Dwalin stood with him, and he gripped his friends arm in thanks before he made a move to leave. Balin stopped him rhough with his last words of the night.

"Thorin. Don't do it again. I'll be second in line."

In every sylable lay a threat, a promise of just what his companion at arms would do to him. But the real threat was not Dwalin and they both knew it. If it ever came to it, Thorin was more than willing to take whatever punishment was left in store. But for right now he had a lot to make up for.

~*~

His courage quailed outside the door to the bedroom. and he retreated back to the main room to sink into his chair beside the unlit fire to gather it back up. Searching for what he could say, how he could apologise, and there was nothing, nothing at all. He sighed deeply, casting his eyes about the room, s if something there could help him.

His eyes alighted on the book, lying lonely and forlorn on the ground, pages askew from where he had kicked it. He got up to retrieve it, lifting it carefully. He almost didn't look, but he needed to know, so he flipped the book to see it's title and it was like a weight had dropped into his stomach.

How had Kili even known? And who had given him the book?

It took fifve long strides to reach the door to Kili's room, and when his hand hesitated before pushing the door open he gave an annoyed huff, this was not the time to let other feelings eat him up. There was something far more than he thought going on here and he needed to get answers, he needed to make sure Kili was alright. So he opened the door.

A lone candle burned slowly on te table beside Kili's bed, and Thorin found himself surprised by just how much of his nephews chaos was contained to the area around his bed. The only problem was that Kili was not in his bed. For a heart stopping moment Thorin thought Kili had run away, but he immediately berated himself for that thought, that was the sort of thing that happened in childrens tales, not real life.

And thankfully the small sound of restless movement proved him right and he turned to Fili's bed, where Kili was curled up on top of the blankets, clutching Fili's pillow to him tightly, his face screwed up tight, clearly distressed. But he did nothing but shift, small jerking movements of one trapped in dreams. Unpleasent ones at that.

Thorin took a seat on the edge of the bed and reached out to brush Kili's hair back, but his hand met thin air as Kili jerked away from him, eyes wide and fully awake and searching for a threat. It made Thorin's heart ache when Kili turned those wide eyes on him, and suddenly the boy was scrambling into a sitting posistion, back pressed against the wall, and pillow clutched against his front like a shield.

"I'm sorry uncle." he said.

Thorin shook his head, but made no move to reach out again. "No, no you aren't. And you shouldn't be." he said softly, and held out the book, title facing up so it could be seen, watching carefully as Kili's eyes settled on it with a resigned sort of fear. "I think, maybe, we need to talk."


	9. Chapter 9

Kili took the book, very slowly, and he let it fall open in his hands. Despite the way some of the pages had been bent and crumpled, the book opened fluidly to a section close to the front, and Kili looked at the page, before looking up at Thorin, his whole face crumpled up unhappily.

"I can't get past this page." he said, in a way that meant so much more than what he was actually saying. There was a second when he looked likt he was going to pull the pook to him and not let go when Thorin carefully reached out to take it back, but he surrendered it.

Thorin turned the book and read the page silently, barely containing a flinch of his own at what was written. This had never been the most savoury of texts. He had seen it often enough, had read it often enough himself. Dwalin had carried a copy with him from he had turned 25 and was moving from childhood to Youth, until Erebor had fallen and the book had vanished from his possession. Thorin had often assumed it had been Balin who'd removed it, and he had been glad to see the back of it. This book was one of the very reasons he had agreed with Dwalin that they would avoid telling Kili he was a Battleborn for as long as possible. That they would give him a childhood that was not all battle and war and weapons.

He'd seen first hand what that had done to his friend, who had been taught nothing of the good parts of History but was always fed the horror stories of the Battleborn, as a warning of what he could become. But somehow Kili had found it out anyway, despite all of their best intentions.

"Kili." he began, closing the book on one of the more vicious tales of Battleborn Bloodlust. "You shouldn't be reading this book at all." he kept his voice as soft as possible.

Kili made a miserable sound. "But the others weren't like this."

"Others?" Thorin asked in surprise. Kili had read more of these? "How long have you been reading things like this?" he asked, torn between horrified that a young child had been reading books like this, and pride that he had been reading books like this.

Kili gave him a wary look, before he shrugged. "Since my birthday."

Nearly six months. In Mahals name, why had one of them noticed. 

"Some one called me a Battleborn." Kili confessed into the silence. "I didn't know what that meant, so I asked Mister Balin during lessons. He said it was a very brave warrior, who helped defend dwarven kingdoms. But he wouldn't tell me anything else."

"So you decided to find out." Thorin guessed.

Kili nodded uncertaintly, looking guilty. "I took a book from Mister Balin's library to find out. And it was just like he said, all stories about how brave they were and all the good things they did. But the book kept talking about Bloodlust. And I couldn't ask Mister Balin because then he would know I'd taken his book without permission, and I knew he'd be mad so I-" Kili's words had tumbled over each other, making himself even more upset with every extra thing he said.

"So you took another book instead."

Kili nodded, burying his face into the pillow and Thorin could see his shoulders shaking as he couldn't stop the tears. There was no flinch when Thorin reached for him this time, to gather him into his arms, the pillow abandoned so Kili could curl his fists into Thorins tunic, and the weight of keeping secrets and of knowing things no child should ever know poured out of him. They sat there, and Thorin searched frantically for something to say, some way to make this better.

He looked at the book, sitting innocuously on the bed, and he could see Kili again, head bent over the book, trying desperately to understand what he was reading, what it meant, and with every page his horror growing, until he couldn't read anymore, couldn't make himself turn another page only to find more horror waiting for him. But it was the fact that Kili had kept the book, kept going back to that page, like he thought maybe it would get better the more he read it. That made finding the words so difficult.

Finally Kili stopped crying, but Thorin didn't let him go, and Kili made no move to pull away.

"I'm sorry Uncle." came the small whisper, and within those three words Thorin heard every single thin Kili was sorry for, for taking the books without permission, for not doing what was expected of him, for being here, not being Fili, not being good enough.

"You are not allowed to use those words anymore." Thorin answered him. "Do you understand me. You are never allowed to say that again. Never." When he looked at Kili he was met by a wide, confused stare, and in the flickering candlelight he could see the faint outline of the slap he had delivered to his cheek. He reached a hand to brush over it, and Kili let him without pulling away. "It is I who is sorry Kili. I am so very sorry."

Kili looked at him, a long look, like he was searching for something in Thorin's face, and when he found it he settle back against Thorin's chest. "I'm tired Uncle." he said softly.

Thorin tightened his hold. "Then sleep." he said, running his fingers through the tangle of dark hair. There would be time tomorrow and everyday after to fix this. And he would, he promised, he would fix this, because the alternative was just not an option. It would never be an option.

He pressed a kiss to Kili's hair and sent a plea to Mahal for guidance.


	10. Chapter 10

As Dwalin had predicted, Kili forgave Thorin, though his guilt followed him around for days. Breaking the habits they had fallen into between them was harder, but slowly they were bridging that gap, and when Kili wrapped himself around Thorin before going to bed, Thorin felt that they'd made some great leap. Kili's nights were plagued with nightmares, soundless ones where he twitched and looked like he was about to throw up in his sleep, but easily soothedo nce Thorin realised what to look for. And now that the book was no longer in his possession they seemed to lessen.

Thorin tried not to think about just how bad Kili's nightmares must have been before. It was bad enough when Kili woke from one and if Thorin was with him at the time coaxed a retelling of the dream out of him. Blood spattered images of death and destruction, of standing admidst the odies of those he loves, holding the sword that killed them. But that wasn't what frightened Kili, what frightened him, he confessed in a small voice, was the fact that he sort of enjoyed it, the feeling in the dream of being so powerful, before the shadows he killed took on faces of people Kili loved.

Thorin did the only thing he could think of, he had Dwalin sit with him, and they explained exactly what a Battleborn was, covering every single eventuality that they could in a way Kili could understand. They explained why they had started his training so long before the other dwarflings, explained that it wasn't just about making sure he could fight, that when the time came he could fight beside his brother, or lead an army. It was about preparing him, giving him options and ways to stop the Battlelust.

"Battlelust," Dwalin explained, wither air of one who had suffered it, though thankfully never to the scale as the old tales, "Is what happens when you become desperate. When there's no other way to win. It's what comes over you when your rage gives way to desperation. If you know how to fight then you'll never need to let it get so far, because you'll never be outmatched."

"That's not true." Kili said, not meeting their eyes. "Battlelust happens because you enjoy it. The killing. When you start to like it so much that it doesn't matter who you kill anymore."

Thorin and Dwalin shared a look, neither of them entirely sure how to field this.

"Then you'll never suffer from it." Dwalin said at last.

Kili looked at him, his face a picture of disbelief. "You don't know that Mister Dwalin." he said with conviction.

Thorin frowned thoughtfully. "Dwalin, had you started teaching him to use a bow yet?" he asked.

Dwalin frowned at him. "Not yet. We don't move onto ranged weapons until after a dwarfling choses their Weapon."

"And a Battleborn always uses melee weapons." Kili quoted out softly, scuffing his toe into the floor. "All dwarves choose a Melee weapon as their Weapon, always. It's tradition." he said the word tradition with the same edge of sarcasm Thorin himself used sometimes when he didn't like a tradition.

"Kili." Thorin said, and waited until Kili's eyes lifted from the ground to meet his own. "I think I've had quite enough of traditions for a while. Dwalin get one of the practice bows."

Dwalin looked a touch bewildered, but did as directed.

~*~

Thorin had decided he would teach Kili himself, and took his nephew to a secluded area, and explained how a bow worked, demonstrating on the beautifully crafted one his father had given him when he'd come of age, his swords had been a gift from his grandfather. 

Kili held the small bow Dwalin had found for him gingerly, like he expected it to fire itself, but listened dutifully and watched carefully. And despite himself was warmed by Thorins praise when he copied what he had been shown. It wasn't until there was a pratice arrow set to the bow that he truly hesitated, biting his lip.

"Did you know the bow requires a great deal more skill than wielding a sword." Thorin said suddenly, and Kili's tense frame relaxed slightly as he slacked on the string and looked at his uncle in confusion. "You have to put a great deal more concentration into firing an arrow than you do swinging a sword or an axe. You need to conside the distance to your target, the changes in the wind. There are a hundred things you need to think about before you can loose an arrow. But not only do you need to think about where your arrow will fly, but you need to be aware of what's going on around you. You can't swing a bow and expect to take off an orcs head, in fact, if an orc should sneak up on you you might very well be dead. You need to be able to take in everything around you all the time if you are going to use a bow in battle. There simply isn't the time to lose yourself in the heat of the moment."

Kili frowned, and Thorin could see him slowly picking his words apart, and Thorin trusted that his nephew, who had been reading books far beyong what he should be able to, and understanding them, would understand exactly what he meant. He was rewarded by Kili looking at the bow in his hands ith a far less apprehensive gleam in his eyes, and his hand shifted on the wood into a more comfortable grip.

Thorin nodded. "Pull the string back and kiss the arrow."

"Not really kiss it." Kili said, giving him a look.

Thorin shrugged. "A little Battleborn luck never goes astray." he said.

Kili gave him a disbelieving look, but did as he was told and pulled the arrow back to the corner of his mouth and bestowed a rather endearing sideways kiss to it, and at Thorin's word, he let the string go. It thudded into the target near the edge, and Kili bit his lip again, wondering if that was good enough. Should he had hit the centre first try like Thorin had done.

Thorin dropped a hand on his head and smiled. "Good job." 

Kili's free hand came up to anchor Thorins hand in his hair and he peered up at him shyly. "Really?"

Throin huffed a small laugh and tugged him into his side. "Yes really." he ruffled the dark hair, making Kili squawk. "Now, try another one."

By the time Kili was done, arms hanging and looked all at once excited and exhausted, Thorin knew Kili had chosen his Weapon. He scooped his up, rolling his eyes at the protests and yawned begging to just try one more time. "Tomorrow." he promised.

"You'll take me." Kili said, and it was only just tinged with a hint of a question, only the barest hints of uncertainty.

"I'll take you." Thorin promised, and Kili gave in, resting his head on Thorin's shoulder, and he thought he heard Kili whisper, such a very small sound, a breath really, and Thorin finally felt something click inside him, and he whispered right back, for Kili only.

"I love you too."


	11. Chapter 11

It was Mid Autumn of the fifth year. Kili had been buzzing around like a bee high on honey and Thorin had finally given up all hope of getting a moments peace after the third time he'd tried to sit his nephew down to brush his hair. With a growl that was not nearly as angry as it sounded he had told Kili to get his bow and set about working some of that energy off.

Kili had still not gone back to his full training, but as his confidence grew the more he used the bow, he would sometimes be found contemplating the swords and axes. No one mentioned it, or offered to let him practice, they waited instead for him to pick one up on his own. Thorin hoped his courage would be bolstered upon Fili's return, because Kili would be a dab hand at any weapon he tried, and Thorin hated to see such talent wasted. But, Thorin had promised, one night when Kili had been worried that he was disappointing him, that he would never be disappointed with whatever Kili decided to do.

Kili was by no means a perfect shot, but was far better than Thorin had been when he started learning, at some fifteen years older than Kili was now, and he could hit a target at a much longer distance. A few more years and Thorin had no doubt he would be hitting dead centre of every target they put in front of him. But the time he was grown might even manage to hit an Orc dead in the eye, which would likely please him no end.

"Uncle." Kili said, when they were gathering his arrows for another round. "Do you suppose Fili remembers me?"

Thorin gave him an apraising look. "I'm not sure, are you particularly memorable?" he asked, quirking his eyebrows.

"Uncle!" Kili protested.

Thorin smiled. "I don't think that's something you have to worry about."

"But what if he doesn't like me?" Kili continued. "He always talks about Usrin in his letters. What if he doesn't want a little brother anymore."

Thorin did his best to keep his smile off his face as this was clearly a very serious concern. "Kili, I promise you that Fili remembers you, and that there is no one he'd rather have for a brother, older or younger. He chose you first, and no one can take your place." Family bonds had been explained to Kili of course, it was important for all dwarves to know where they came from.

Kili nodded, but did not look entirely convinced, so Thorin gave him a nudge. "Again." he said, and they returned to the line to fire again.

~*~

Fili didn't bother restraining himself when he saw his Uncle and brother waiting for him, just broke into a headlong run when he was close enough and was swept into Thorin's arms and hugged tightly. Five years was such a very long time to be without them, and Fili held on for all he was worth, trying to soak in everything that was his Uncle. He was grinning brightly when he was let go and turned his attention to his little brother, who was standing a little behind Thorin, looking subdued. Fili cast his uncle a confused look, wondering what had happened to the happy brother he had recieved dozens of letters and stories from these past two years.

His Uncle gave a small shrug, but there was a look there that said he would explain later. "Hey, don't I get a hug?" he asked, turning his full attention to Kili, who toed the ground for a moment, before darting forward to give him what had to be the quickest hug Fili had ever recieved before pulling away again.

The odd greeting sat like a stone in his stomach all through the dinner that had been planned and it took all of the things he had learned while in the Noth Mountains, to keep himself smiling and telling of all the things he'd done, and everything he'd learned. Everyone there, Uncle Thorin, Mister Dwalin, Mister Balin, Mister Oin and Gloin, were more than happy to listen and share their own stories, about what they had been doing, and about Kili, who sat on the oppisite side of the table to Fili, and played with his food instead of eating it.

"He's worried you don't want him as a brother anymore." Uncle Thorin explained in a low voice when dinner was over and Fili was starting to unpack his things. And then Thorin pulled him in for another hug. "I am so glad your back." he said.

Fili leaned into the embrace. It had worried him sometimes, in the dark of the night, when he was alone in the splendid room he had spent five years sleeping in, that maybe his Uncle wouldn't be glad to see him, despite the letters he got. Despite Mister Gloin telling him every time he brought those letters how much His uncle and brother were missing him. There had just been a tiny worry, that he could bury duing the day, when he was taking lessons with Usrin, and learning to use weapons.

"I missed you Uncle." he whispered.

Thorin just hugged him tighter. If there were tears, his uncle was kind enough not to draw attention to them, and Fili didn't speak up about the suspisious brightness in his uncles eyes when they finally parted either. Thorin left him to unpack, pressing a kiss onto his forehead.

Fili slowly emptied his bags, setting his things into neat piles. Everything in the room that was his was exactly where he had left it, so slotting those things he had taken with him back into place was easy. Finding places for the new things he had received, was not, and finally he just sat on his bed and looked at them, wondering if maybe Kili might like some. If his brother ever spoke to him again that was.

"Fili."

He looked up in surprise, to find Kili standing at the doorway, looking afraid to enter. "Hi." he answered, and was rewarded by Kili taking a few steps inside. "Know any dwarflings who might like this?" he asked, holding up a wooden soldier wearing real metal plated armour. He wasn't entirely sure of what to say, he had never seen his brother so shy, and couldn't help but wonder if it was because of something more than what Uncle Thorin had said. It was entirely possible that Kili didn't want him back.

Kili took another few steps. "It's really nice." he said. "He could fight the dragon Mister Bifur made for me."

Fili smiled slightly and held the toy out. "You can have it if you want." he offered, and felt pleased when Kili took the little soldier.

There was a long silence that Fili didn't know how to break.

"You're back to stay now right? Forever?" Kili asked.

Fili could only nod, because he really didn't want to go away again, even if it had been fun sometimes. "Unless you don't want me to be." was what he said, and Kili's head snapped up and Fili felt guiltily gratified to see his expression, a whole myrid of emotions from fear to anger to saddness, and then Kili launched himself at him.

"No! No! You're staying here. I'll make Uncle ground you forever!" Kili told him, wrapping his arms around him as best he could. "Your not allowed to go away again. Things aren't right when your not here."

There was a story there that Fili wasn't sure he wanted to know about. But he pushed that aside and shifted his brother until he could hold him properly. "Uncle said you were afraid I didn't want to be your brother anymore." he said, curious. "Why would you think that?"

Kili gave a small pout and refused to answer.

Fili sighed, but didn't push for an answer, his brother would tell him eventually he was sure, but just to make sure that there were no misunderstandings between them he said. "I have the best little brother in the whole of Middle Earth. I don't want another one. "

~*~

When Thorin stopped into the room much later, he found both his nephews curled up onto Fili's bed, surrounded by the things Fili had still not put away. Kili sprawled across his brother as to make sure to keep him there, and Fili's arm tucked round his brothers waist to keep him from falling off the bed.

How long he stood there watching them sleep he did not know, but it didn't really matter. He was just glad to have his little family all together again


End file.
